Legal and intellectual

A man was arrested last week for stealing a garden gate.

He wants 6 other fences to be taken into consideration.


For the Latin scholars amongst us:

Man in restaurant talking to the wine waiter:
"Do you have any Hock?"
"Pardon sir?"
"Hock, you know, Hick Hack, Hock"

A few minutes later, the waiter still hadn't brought the wine.
"Where's the wine?" the man said (see, I told you he hadn't yet brought the wine)
"You didn't want any" the waiter replied.
"I did, I asked for the Hock"
"I know", said the waiter, "but you then declined it"

Are they jokes (or are they dead Jim)?

A piece of string went into a pub. He wriggled around and tied himself up, walked up to the bar and ordered a pint.

"Are you eighteen", the barman asked?

"Frayed knot", said the piece of string.


This reminds me about the time the depressed horse went into the pub and asked for a pint.
"Why the long face?", enquired the barman.


If you can stand any more:
the dog walked in and sat on a piece of sandpaper.
The barman asked him "ow's your bum?"

"Wruff", replied the dog, "wruff"..................................................................


By the way, do you know what a 'gulab jamun' is? (see below)


It's an indian sweet consisting of a ball of deep-fried paneer boiled in a sugar syrup.
Anyone know what 'paneer' is?

Oh well, education educattion educaattionn.
Of course, I went to a good school ...... it was approved.


On that bombshell........................

Album review - Razorlight

Hope you enjoyed the review of "Hot Fuss" (Killers) earlier in the month. As promised, I'll now have a look at Razorlight.

"In the morning" - not sure about this first track on the album. INXS-like, possibly post-punk.
"Who Needs Love" - Good lyrics. Style of early-sixties pop songs.
"Hold on" - 80's Wam-style intro. Repetitive lyrical style.
"America" - Nice guitar intro and good beat. This is more like it, with a lot of thought going into the lyrics.
"Before I fall to pieces" - acquired taste.
"I can't stop this feeling I've got" - Again, not sure. Might grow on me.
"Pop song 2006" - Great intro. Good guitar work throughout the track.
"Kirby's house" - Nice tune. Quite old-fashioned song. Could be late sixties.
"Back to the start" - Another one with INXS-style guitar. Not bad at all.
"Los Angeles Waltz" - Thoughtful lyrics, with keyboards and drums more in evidence.


Overall assessment - this one will stay in the album charts for a while.
By the way, did you know that the British album charts are 40 years old this month?

Proud to be Black Country

Aynuk is sitting at the side of the canal with a fishing rod.
He's sobbing like a baby.

Ayli approaches, and asks Aynuk why he's crying.

"Ov jus caught a wale" says Aynuk.

"But why are you cryin' my mate?" asks Ayli.

"There ay no spokes in it" replies Aynuk.



On another matter............. did you know the origin of the phrase 'paint the town red'?
Well, sit down and pin back your lug oles (or eyes, in this case).
Apparently, in 1837 the Marquis of Waterford and a group of friends ran riot in Melton Mobray, painting the town's buildings red (literally).
Now, I don't know about you, but I can't help myself. There must be a connection between this painting thing and pork pies. If you can make the connection, click on the comment button and let me know. Sad, isn't it.

I wish SOMEONE would click on the comment button. It's getting very lonely here in cyberspace.

In the meantime, ponder on this pearl of wisdom by a chap called Heraclitus (circa 500 B.C.)
"There is nothing permanent except change".

Big words ay arf posh

If I could adumbrate the orthographic utterances of recent days or create an esquisse, you may well say that I have obfuscated within this text and possibly committed a solecism.

If you can work out what this means, please let me know.

Don't you just hate people who use big words.

Cricket and stuff

Last week I rambled on about how many ways you could be 'out' at cricket.
Well, here they are, all ten of them.

Bowled
Caught
Leg before wicket (LBW)
Run out
Stumped
Hit own wicket
Hit ball twice
Handled the ball
Obstructing a fielder
Timed out (excessive delay in coming into bat, i.e. over 3 minutes)

What about that then. What do you think of the show so far?

By the way, phrase of the day is EUPHEMISM.
According to the best dictionaries, a euphemism 'blurs the meaning' and can be a cause for confusion; a 'mild or less direct word substituted for one that is harsh or blunt when referring to something unpleasant or embarrassing'.
One example given for a euphemism (not to be confused with 'euphuism' which is an 'artificial, highly elaborate way of writing or speaking') is using the word 'cloakroom' for 'lavatory'. I for one have never left a coat in the toilet. God forbid you might consider taking relief in a room full of coats. Mind you, having just watched the film version of 'The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe', I'm not so sure.

Perhaps I should have used a euphemism for that last comment. Sorry. Hope me Mom's not reading this.

There's music in the air

Did you know that the annual World Air Guitar Championship to be held in Birmingham was cancelled next week? No, really. It is to be re-arranged to be held in London later in the year.
The way my mind works makes me think someone stole the guitars......................

Bauer

Makes you think when you get a comment on one of your thoughts.
Twenty-Four (whoever he is) asked me who had said "I'm gonna need a hacksaw".
Easy-peasy. Jack Bauer, in one of his best scenes, needed to prove he had interrogated a ne're do well. In his inimitable style, Jack decided to behead the poor fellow and deliver the head to one of the head-baddies.

Capiche?

No doubt Twenty-Four will now reply stating
(a) that she is not a HE.
(b) I've spelt ne're incorrectly, and have probably sprinkled this with grammatical errors.
(c) What the hell is capiche.

See if I care.

Geordies

Funny thing, accents. Born in the Black Country, my favourite accent is Geordie, obviously. Mind you, they don't half eat strange things in Geordie-land. Listening to 2 Geordies chatting the other day, I'm sure I heard one say to the other something about a beer-can sandwich.

Nice.

What's the porpoise of that then?

'Phoned the insurance company today. By the time I got through, I'd completely forgotten what I wanted. The call was answered by a robot, saying "this call may be recorded for training porpoises". What on earth are they training porpoises to do? Of course, then the obligatory Greensleaves, this time played by Rolf Harris on what I can only describe as a budget-version stylophone which sounded like Rolf had injured his hand in a freak wobble-board accident.

Phrase of the day - ipsissima verba - sounds great, doesn't it?
..... means "the precise words".
Nothing to do with anything, but while I was waiting on the phone I had nothing better to do than flick through the old Concise Oxford.

Thoughts from a president

Change is the law of life, and those who only look to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

John F Kennedy, 1963

My personal view is that we cannot become what we want to be by remaining what we are.
(coinciding with Ashcroft & James, 1999)

word play

Shakespeare walked into his local and started to recite some of his works.

"To be or not to be"
"A Kingdom for my horse"

The barman, looking very irritated, approached him.

"You're bard", he said.

When you're out you're not in

Did you know there were ten ways of getting out at cricket? Can you name them?
I have to say, two of them are quite obscure.

Album Review - The Killers (Hot Fuss)

Earlier in the month I promised to give you my expert opinion on some of the hottest music around (Pete Murray - eat your heart out). Pete Murray?

The Killers produced "Hot Fuss" some time ago, but not everyone (particularly those of a certain age) has heard it. Well here goes (don't laugh, kids).

First track 'Jenny was a friend of mine' is probably the best on the album (L.P. for the oldies!).
A great drum beat, good bass line and rhythms. Loved the first 60 seconds of the track. Great.
'Mr Brightside' - lyrics not to my taste, but an excellent musical backing, and the drummer wins again. A Coldplay-style guitar backing with synthesizer intro dominates 'Smile like you mean it' with the synth also heavily-used in the chorus/title line.
A cleverly-written 'Somebody Told Me' is a jealousy-influenced song, including the line "you've got a boyfriend who looks like a girlfriend". Not sure if this is based on the personal experience of frontman Brandon Flowers.

'All these things that I've done", almost Lennon-like, piano-supported intro with a real gutsy reworking of 80's-style new wave. Blondie could have covered this. 'Andy you're a star' is a dour seventies quasi-punk style number, with synth and acoustic backing. 'On Top' is unashamedly new wave, with keyboard work that Sparks fans will remember. A very different track (that might grow on me) is the very interesting 'Glamorous Indie Rock and Roll, having a slow start, but with clever use of lyrics such as the tambourine. Intriguing overlay of tracks towards the end.

'Believe Me Natalie' has a great synthesizer introduction with good drum rolls. After that, it's not their best. There is an obvious Depeche Mode influence creeping in with 'Midnight Show', as with other tracks on the album. The final track, 'Everything will be alright' has strange vocal effects with a haunting musical backing. Repetitive, and a tad strange.

The talented Brandon Flowers composed all of the tracks on 'Hot Fuss', with collaboration on some numbers with Mark Stoermer, Dave Keuning and Ronnie Vannucci.

Thought for the day - Thursday

Do what you've always done and you'll get what you've always got.

Stephen Brookfield (Reflective Thinkers)

Critical thinkers develop 'reflective scepticism': they do not take for granted the universal truth of some statement, policy or justification simply because of the authority ascribed to the source of this supposed truth ........ they call into question the belief that simply because some idea or social structure has existed unchanged for a period of time, it therefore must be (a) right and (b) the best possible arrangement.

Ref: Stephen Brookfield, 1987.

Stephen Pile on failures

Success is overrated. Everyone craves it despite daily proof that man's real genius lies in quite the opposite direction. Incompetence is what we are good at: it is the quality that marks us off from animals and we should learn to revere it.

From 'Heroic Failures' by Stephen Pile.

Change (John Galbraith)

Given the choice between changing, and proving that change is not necessary, most people are always busy with the proof.

My thanks to John Galbraith for these words of wisdom.

The journey of life

You will learn and adapt your ideas throughout your life, continuing to develop your understanding.

You will never 'arrive', but this is not a problem, as the journey is so fascinating.

Good book that

Not really a thought for the day, more a thought about the best book I read last year.
Tom Sharpe's "Porterhouse Blue" was superb. The Observer said it was 'a toppling house of comic cards that knock you flat'. The Sunday Express: 'chuckling good fun, a glorious romp'.

Please don't let the Sunday Express put you off a very good book.

Jessel on the brain

The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops working until you stand up to speak in public (Sir George Jessel) .

Food for thought for teachers, uh?

Ramblings about cricket

A crucial day if you like cricket (just Tuesday if you don't).........

As we speak, Pakistan are 12 for no wicket (after 6 overs),chasing a target of 323 to win the 3rd test and level the series with one match to go.

I think the star man for England will be Monty Panesar, a great character and potentially a great spin bowler. If he can get himself on the roll of honour (the notice board at Headingly), taking 5 wickets in the innings, he will be well on the way to securing a place in the Ashes side for November. Let's hope he does achieve it.

I'll take a chance and give you a forecast. Early this morning I had a feeling that Pakistan would get the 323 runs by 5.00 p.m. today, but I think a bit of cloud cover by the end of the day will help England, and I think our lads will get the 10 wickets after a mid-day struggle, during which Pakistan will be knocking the ball all over the pitch.

You know England, they never make it easy for the fans.

6 hours later .........

Y'know, I wasn't far off the mark. England did win, but Pakistan never really troubled us. It was all over by 3.00 p.m. Mind you, Monty was a star, taking 3 wickets, so I got something right.

Additional thought: will Freddie Flintoff be ready for the Ashes?

England v Pakistan

No blog yesterday - my son's eighteenth.

He had a great day - loved his digital camera, recording a few 'movies' as well as the usual snaps. He's quite impressed with the camera. I'm told it's a 6 megapixel camera. The impressive thing from my point of view is that I paid for it.

Now, the thought for the day. England, after scoring 515, seem to have let Pakistan off the hook. There's a thought, ME talking about cricket. What I know about cricket could be written on the inside thigh-pad of a gnat. Any road up for a pound of feathers, Pakistan (as we speak - or blog) are 424 for 3. Incredible. My forecast is that they will bat through to lunch time tomorrow (Monday), scoring at least 600. Got to be a draw. Egg on face by Tuesday?

Have I given you the thought for the day, I hear you ask? Not sure yet. Wait for it, yes, here it is.............. don't count your wickets till they're taken.

Name dropping

The young make me feel quite old......................

My 17-year-old son (who is 18 tomorrow) has just gone off to Merry Hill with his mates armed with some advance 'birthday money' to treat himself. A few CD's are on the agenda.

The old fogey that is writing this blog has been told that the 'Kaiser Chiefs' are a good band. Some of the others I have been informed about are either unpronounceable or I have simply forgotten them. To be fair, I can claim to know a little about modern music. I like listening to Keane, James Blunt, Craig David, Texas, Katie Melua, The Stereophonics, Travis, REM, Scissor Sisters (doesn't the lead singer sound like Elton John?), David Gray and Daniel Powter.

Some of the performers I have enjoyed over the years (kids under 20 may not have heard of some of them):
Queen, Elton John, David Bowie, Def Leppard, Led Zepplin, Lynyrd Skynrd, Oasis, Alison Moyet, Tina Turner, Joe Cocker, Annie Lennox, Pink Floyd, T.Rex, Fleetwood Mac, Rolling Stones, Genesis, Thin Lizzy, The Who, Dire Straits, Mott The Hoople, Rod Steward, and if I think of any others I may add them to future blogs.

As I grew up in the seventies, when young people I work with ask about my musical tastes, they seem to assume the list includes the Bay City Rollers, Sweet, Mud, and stuff like that. Sorry to disappoint you.

My wife and I (sounds like another wedding speech - oh, leave that for another day, please) have recently 'discovered' a brilliant young artist, actually discovered by none other than Keifer Sutherland, star of 24. The singer / songwriter / guitarist, Rocco Deluca is absolutely superb. His voice reminds us both of Robert Plant (Wolves supporter, and lead singer of Led Zepplin in the seventies ... think he's still a Wolves supporter) and he is a brilliant guitarist (Deluca, not Plant). His group is called 'The Burden'. They have a very unusual sound, and for a short while Keifer Sutherland was the group's manager. A film was made of their first tour (around Europe), called 'I Trust You To Kill Me', also the title of one of Rocco's first songs.

If you get chance, watch the film and have a listen to Rocco's voice. Keifer actually got the boot at the end of the tour. His organisational abilities leave a lot to be desired and there is one scene where he throws himself at a Christmas tree in a German hotel (honestly) due to much German alcohol being consumed. Very un-Jack Bauer-like.

This has been quite a long 'thought for the day'.
As I said, the young make me feel quite old. Maybe I am.

My son's just back from Virgin Megastore.
See what you make of his selection:
Razorlight, Orson ("Bright Idea") and Killers ("Hot Fuss").
I haven't even heard of the last two, but I will give them a go. Might even enjoy it.

News, economics and middle-age

Well, another day, another Euro. Minimum lending rate up to 4.75%, Barclays profits something like 3.7 BILLION pounds, more angst in Iraq, Afghanistan and the Middle East.

It's about time we had some GOOD news or even some daft news. Where oh where did the local T.V. stories go that we loved so much? ......................
The tap-dancing badger, beer-swilling pooch, piano-playing moggy.

If you are of a certain age, you will remember Chris Tarrant, long before his stint on 'Millionaire', working for Central News 'doing' all the daft stories.

Those were the days (think I have said that before) - much be middle-age.

Inspiration and the Muppets

Thomas Edison once said 'Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration'.

For myself, I have yet to find my 1% allocation of inspiration. One day, maybe, but in the meantime I have to make do with plenty of perspiration. To be fair, most of the people I know are in the same boat. Who was it that said 'too much sweat will sink the boat' - must have been Gonzo from the Muppet Show.

This heat is getting to me.

P.S. for those of you who haven't heard of the Muppets - you must be fans of rap and Fiestas with blacked-out windows.

End of the day - Wednesday

Waiting for the coupon man. Don't know why. I've been using the same numbers for the last 20 years. Not a bean. Not even a be. Well, you can't win them all.

Just suppose I win this week........ not a chance.

No, just suppose......... New house (got to have a snooker table), and of course swimming pool.
New car (Noble sports job?) - saw one on Top Gear at the weekend. Richard Hammond really sold it to me. Only £75,000.

Never mind...... there's always next week.

Thought for the day - Wednesday

If those kids driving Fiestas round our estate playing music so loud are proud of their rap songs (I think that's what they call them), why do their cars have blacked-out windows? What have they got to hide? Obviously they don't want to be identified.

For myself, I am proud to be seen playing Elton John and Led Zepplin tracks from the seventies. Ah, the good old days. As my Dad would say, you could actually hear the words they were singing and each song had a proper tune!

End of the day - Tuesday

Well, it's not been a bad day. First day of August, weather a bit cooler now.
We've seen some good old programmes on the box today (courtesy of Sky-Plus) - Miami Vice, the very last One Foot in the Grave (Margaret was absolutely wonderful in that one) and we're just about to watch that programme about Big Ron and Esther trying to speak French.

By the way, I have to mention (and I must stress that the television is not the only thing that happens in our house!) the sci-Fi classic 'Dark Skies'. The series is being repeated on ITV4 and it is brilliant. Personally I'm a big fan of Auntie Beeb but every now and again the competition hit on something special, just like the amazing series 24 - I cannot imagine how or why the BBC didn't keep that one.

Thought for the day

If you didn't think you could, why did you carry on and do it anyway?