Babies names

Here's a thing. Would you call your child one of the following?
Mylo, Spike, Luna, Cadence, Fds.

Fd blummin' S?

This is based on a study of 380,000 newborns. Perhaps we should consider studying something more trivial.

Let's get tough

I've been racking my brains lately to come up with reasons why we should bring back capital punishment. It is a barbaric practice, but obviously some people DO deserve it.
Well, I've found one today. Lloyds Bank (and I've been with them for years - on and off) are removing the 'buffer zone' which stops customers incurring charges should they slip into the red by less than £10.

They have followed HSBC with this policy, which means that a customer that slips into the red for 24 hours (probably waiting for a cheque to clear) will be charged £30.

To the tower with them!

What's in the news

Gosh, shock horror, oh my word!
The Daily Mail tell us that Eamonn Holmes has finally succumbed to the ravages of time and gone under the knife to enhance his features. Well, apart from the fact that he's the same age as me, I couldn't give a monkey's whatsit. Who cares what he does? Really important news isn't it?

The announcement that human rights lessons are to be given to kids as young as 11 makes me wonder if our glorious leaders are carrying out a bit of gentle brain-washing, preparing our young chicks for the even more PC world of the next decade. Watch this space.

Sony had better watch out, with their faulty batteries. Duracell are waiting in the wings. All they need to do now is develop a laptop computer that takes rechargeable AAA's and they're away.

Apparently, scientists have studied Mona Lisa's smile (you know, the painting). I should really have a competition and ask you what she's thinking to make her grin like the proverbial Cheshire. This must have been a slow news day at the Mail.

a) John Prescott has quit. Now, be honest, who wouldn't smile?
b) She can't stop thinking of John Prescott in his stocking suspenders
c) Thank goodness that 15th century is over at last.
d) ooh, that's better
e) She had a bacon sandwich for lunch.
f) Leonardo da Vinci doesn't realise his flies are undone.

Answers on a postcard. No, scrub that, click the comment button.


Eh! I've found something even MORE stunning than old Eamonn's surgery. Wait for it.... YES, Anne Diamond has lost 4 stones.


Who carries stones around with them anymore?

Fox in the garden

Lovely aren't they? Three O' Clock in the morning, crying like babies (literally crying, just like babies), and leaving their mark on my back garden.

When I say their 'mark', I am referring to what can only be described as, well, poo.
It may be a trifle indelicate, depending at what time of day your are reading this. You may be scoffing your enormous breakfast having just watched Bill Turnbull on Breakfast Telly. You could be partaking of a little caviar on toast as part of your elevenses or 'brunch' (don't we all). You could be doing just what I have just done, i.e., got the shovel out of the shed and headed straight for the little blighter's doings.

"Nappies!!", I hear you cry. Well, have you ever tried to catch a bloomin' fox? I for one have never, (and it won't happen), tried to potty-train a carnivorous mammal of the dog family with a pointed muzzle, bushy tail and typically a reddish coat (good description, uh?).

Please, please, please send in some comments on this one. You've been a tad quiet of late. Even the silly comments have dried up. What I want are suggestions as to how to avoid this **** appearing in my garden in the first place. Lovely they may be, these foxes, and I don't particularly want to treat my missis to a new furry wrap for Christmas (animal rights folk don't bother to write in - only joking). All I want is to look out onto my garden on a crisp November morning without having to think. "Bloomin' Eck" (or words to that effect) and dive for the shovel.

Mind you, notice that it's always MY job. The missis will have none of it. "No", she says "it's men's work". Funny that, she usually believes in equality.

Discipline at work

A friend of mine asked me why I had been sacked from the factory.
I answered "because of sickness"
"What was wrong with you", he said.
"Nothing", I replied.
"Then why were you sacked?"
"The boss got sick of me".

In my next job I was sacked for stamping on a snail.
The same friend thought it was a bit harsh.
"Sacked for stamping on a snail for God's sake, why?"
"The snail had followed me around all day"..............


The same night my wife bought a new type of sweet from Sainsbugs -
Lemming meringue.

I had great trouble eating it as it kept leaping off the table.

Lesson Planning

There is so much to take in - planning my next lesson (I've only taught 4 lessons so far in my fledgling teaching career) will be like swinging a golf club for the first time:

"Address the ball, keep your head still, make sure your left arm is straight, focus on the back of the ball, deep breath, take the club back in an arc just above your right shoulder, keep your left foot firmly planted on the ground, swivel your hips, start to transfer the weight from your right foot to your left, bring your right knee in, bring the club down (keeping your head still and right-arm straight), shift the weight onto your left foot as you are almost standing on your right toe, strike the ball firmly and follow right through the ball with the club hitting the ground just in front of the ball as your hips swivel 90 degrees to the left; your left foot should still be firmly planted on the ground as you follow through, and the club should finish above your head, pointing away from the flight of the ball".


Me brain hurts. New balls please.

Nothing in particular

Observe the scene in the big house at the end of the lane. The master of the house paces the floor of a palacious front parlour. His elegant wife sits motionless considering the issues of the day. Wildfowl for dinner, perhaps. I must talk to Jeeves about tomorrow's shoot.

"Winifred", says the master. "Throw another peasant on the fire, I'm cold".

Down in the basement it's hard to tell if they have hired a job lot from "You Rang M'Lord" or "Upstairs Downstairs". Nothing really changes. Jeeves polishes his black leather boots in his inimitable way. Mrs Fridgid, cold as ever, just cannot make up her mind whether to boil or steam the peas for dinner.

Nothing really changes.

If you send in the next part of the story, I will publish it. Just use your imagination.

Cert Ed

Our course started today. We discussed all the reasons why we shouldn't be teachers. There don't seem to be many reasons why we SHOULD be teachers. We must be mad - I know I am. Someone told me they thought I was an ex-Wolves goal-keeper. He was mad as well (the ex-keeper, not the person who made the comment). In fact, all goal-keepers are completely crazy.

A bit like teachers. We're a funny lot.

A teacher's lot

Nothing to do with an antique auction, although my students certainly think I should be an exhibit. I have received offers of bath chairs, walking sticks, pension books - you name it.
It's a great shame that they don't realise I am only 25. It's just that I have had a very hard life. In fact, I have led a sheltered life - bus shelters, air-raid shelters......

Sorry.....

The things we put up with (or the things up with which we put, for the English department)- students not listening, students screaming that you are not listening to them, even though you are conducting 4 different conversations at once; students leaving worksheets on the desk at the end of a lesson (even though you had told them to put the work in their folders); students who can't read the board even though you can without your glasses (and you REALLY need your glasses let me tell you); students who want the window open NOW!! ; students who want the toilet but really want to use their mobile phones; students who want to use their mobile phones URGENTLY (what can possibly be that urgent!); students who have to tell you how DESPERATE they are for the toilet rather than just asking if they can go to the toilet; students who think the lesson is 45 minutes long when they KNOW it is an hour; students who say THIS IS STUPID referring to the worksheet you spent HOURS developing (many of the students just do the work).

MIND YOU, there are students who say 'please' and 'thank you'; there are students who volunteer to collect teaching resources scattered around the class; there are students who say 'that went really quick today'; there are students who tell you they COULD get an exemption from the key skills test (and maybe the course) but they'll stay in your class anyway; and finally there are students who SMILE and just get on with the work.
Makes it all worhwhile, doesn't it?

I would't have it any other way.

Ryder cup 2006

Yes, we are 10 - 6 up against the United States and apparently cruising to victory.

Our fans are MUCH better behaved than the Americans, and much more sporting. When we were over on their turf, one bad shot from a European would create a barrage of guffaws (don't worry I checked the spelling of that one - you won't catch me mis-speeling any words in MY blog) and we were up in arms.

We all hoped that Mr woods (US main man) would have an off-week and give us the chance of securing 3 consecutive Ryder Cup victories. He obliged by putting his first drive straight into a beautiful Irish river (don't know the name). Did we guffaw? Did we .............

'Course we did.

Course? (golfing joke)

Sunfield School and Jasper

Did you see Jasper Carrott on Midlands Today on Thursday? He is a star. The work he has done for Sunfield School has been fantastic. Anyone that has an attachment to the school (and believe me, it becomes an emotional attachment) will agree. The £64000 he won for the school on Chris Tarrant's 'Who wants to be a millionaire' was just a small part of the effort he has put in to support this wonderful school for autistic children. Most of the children are residential, with 6 or 7 day students, but the staff look after them all wonderfully.

The other star is Barry Carpenter (Chief Executive and Principal), OBE. If anyone deserves a knighthood, he does. The school has transformed the lives of countless children, preparing them for the terrifying outside world and attempting to maximise their independence and social skills. All the staff are stars, so perhaps we shouldn't single anyone out. However, let's get behind Jasper in the fund raising he is supporting to raise £3.5 million for the next phase of development at Sunfield.

As someone who is involved in the world of autistic children and young autistic adults, I for one will always be grateful for the work that they do.

Noah's Ark

The rains came, and it was good (probably a dreadful misquote, but I won't bother to check it).
It was absolutely p-p-p-p pouring down today. Thank goodness our golfing lads in Ireland are not being put off by the weather. Hopefully we can give the Yanks a damn good thrashing, again.
One thing that gets my goat - white van man deciding to join us in the back seat of our car while we are travelling at 35-plus mph in pouring rain, going downhill, approaching a really awkward bend near Stourbridge Rugby Club, and I think the limit's only 40 mph in good weather! (not that we should speed in good weather). Good grief, I've only just got rid of my last lot of penalty points. I don't need any more. No, what I'm talking about is TAIL-GATING. Some dozy prawn in a white van (and I must stress, 12 months ago I was a white van man - it was my company, but I drove a van every day - that's what it's like in a small business) tail-gating to his heart's content. Silly, stupid? Call it what you like, but what's the point? I was leaving a decent distance behind the Volvo in front of me, and we caught up at the lights near the Stewpony anyway.

People have to learn the hard way I suppose. Once they've wrapped themselves round a tree they MIGHT not do it again. Only problem is, it's always the innocent that suffer.

Kidderminster

Isn't Kiddy wonderful. Honestly, we do like shopping there, and we're very impressed with the college. Let's hope the footy team can improve.

However, whenever we go there it's like a scene from the Avengers. The no entry signs are breeding like rabbits, to the extent that you are in danger of disappearing up your own thingy going round and round finding a way in, or finding a way out.

Kiddy of course is famous for ..................... Richard Briers and Penelope Wilton (there's a carpet connection for you) in Ever Decreasing Circles. Again, I am not only showing my age but also clearly demonstrating my ability to watch completely inane stuff on the goggle box.

Back to the Avengers. We eventually fought our way through the time-warp, grabbed a few bargains from Wilkos, struggled to the Aldi car-park (some logic there if you look hard enough) and made our way home. No Mrs Peel, unfortunately, chaps.

My missis comes out with some stuff. When we'd been home about 2 hours she says "have you noticed a funny wushing sound coming from the brakes?". I not only said "how did it go?" but also considered the effect of discussing the malaise of the Astra's ABS system AFTER we had been wrapped round a tree.

Oh well.

Going thin on top

There are various euphemisms for going bald.
'Going thin on top', 'Less hay than there used to be', 'Follically challenged' and as we say in the Black Country 'he can't have his hair cut any longer' - a friend of mine from Bedford (ok, London, if you come from Dudley), asked me about this expression. "How can you have your hair cut longer?" Honestly, he WAS intelligent. He was an accountant.
When I say intelligent...... As I say, he was an accountant.

Any road up for a pound of feathers, this reminds me (quickly changing the subject as I am ever-so-slightly follically challenged) - LAWNS.
My Dad, proper Black Country, once said "Yo cor cut it no mower".
A trip to the fair and a hairy coconut to the first person who correctly translates that one.

Anyway, from up here, Bedford IS London. People down south think that we're all Brummies.


Flippin' Eck. I've almost forgotten why I started rambling on about being a baldy-man.
My wife, Gord Bless 'Er has not heard of the expression 'grass doesn't grow on a busy street'.
As you will all know (unless you are an accountant), this is my excuse for being 'follically challenged, going thin on top' etc etc ...................

The world at the moment

The world's gone mad, or (as Wogan would say), is it me?

Administration, timetables, students still enrolling, incorrect classrooms allocated.

Every teacher and lecturer at the moment is tearing their hair out (I've not got much left to tear), and I guess it eventually settles down.

37 valium, 54 cups of coffee and 14 mentoring sessions later, all is well.

Now.................... there's just the students to worry about.

More school excuses!

A very good friend of mine has sent in a batch of excuses. Read and enjoy.


"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."


"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."


"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."


"John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."


"Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."

"Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."


"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault"

England draw the series

Well done England. At least we can now go into ICC World Cup with more confidence. Even without Flintoff, Giles, Jones and Vaughn, we at last have a side that can win one-day matches.
let's also look forward to the Ashes series down under with confidence.

Nice to see that we can win without the other side walking off and refusing to play.


I can't really let the sun go down on this fine Sunday without congratulating Mick McArthy on a brilliant 1-0 win at Leeds United. It has been 46 years since Wolves managed to win away at Leeds, and although it was a very close match (Leeds may feel they deserved a point), the goal scored by Bothroyd was worth 3 points in ANY game, Championship OR Premiership.
Well done the men in gold and black! Onwards and updwards.

More school excuses

"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."


Many thanks to Mark for sending that one in.

Jobs moving out of London

The QCA (Qualifications and Curriculum Authority) has been sent to Coventry.

About time.

Omega-3

I wish I'd had more fish oil when I was a lad.

At the age of 10 my IQ was tested. 122. Yes, I know it's hard to believe. 122.

This apparently made me above average. Shame, isn't it, that me and the missis did the 'Test The Nation' IQ test the other Saturday. I scraped in with 99. I only beat the other half (she had 93) 'cause she didn't answer over a dozen questions.

One thing everyone knows about me. If there's a multiple-choice question, I ANSWER the thing. I'm good at guessing ......... I guess.

Pass me the Omega-3 capsules, I'm starving.

A new career for Cherie Booth

Mrs Blair is to help out with teaching the new P.C.-friendly subject, Citizenship.

God help us.

Golf

I used to play golf at Brandhall, near junction 2 of the M5 near Oldbury.
That's the geography lesson over.
I sometimes played against a chap who was an absolute fanatic. He played 5 times a week, hail, rain or shine, even when he felt under the weather. Even if the weather was under the weather.
He played like a professional and nothing put him off. He could have been wearing blinkers.

Any road up, we teed off on the first. He didn't seem to be concentrating. I even won the hole, and if you've played Brandhall you will know the first is a corker - 525 yards, par 5, uphill most of the way. I didn't need a scorecard, more like an abacus.

The second hole passed by uneventfully, then the third and the fourth. Now, the fifth hole runs alongside the main road that runs at the back of the course (to Langley, I think). I had won the last hole, so I teed off, and it was a pearler. He took his driver out of this bag, teed up the ball and suddenly paused. Now, at this stage I have to remind you that this guy was a fanatic, and nothing, I mean NOTHING puts him off his golf.

Amazingly, he put his club on the ground and stood up straight, took off his cap and bowed his head. I then noticed that a funeral cortege was passing very slowly down the main road at the back of the course. This didn't make sense. After all these years, nothing had managed to put him off his tee shot.

"What's going on" I said.

"Well, fairs fair. You've got to show respect. She was a good wife"

Back to school

As we're all back to our respective schools and colleges, let's keep the theme of excuses going.

If you have any of your own, please send then in via the 'comments' button.

Here's a classic.

"Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhoea, and his boots leak."

Snooker in the old days

You will have to be at least as old as me (and I am quite ancient) to remember sport on television in black and white. "What's that?" I hear the youngsters cry.

Snooker, in particular, used to be a real problem. Imagine trying to work out which ball Ronnie O'Sullivan was going to pot next (by the way, do you know he was born in Wordsley Hospital?) when they all look the same? Hopefully the players were seeing the balls in colour.

The commentators could have a nightmare. Dear old Ted (from Pot Black) got it right most of the time, and without his expert commentary the game would have made no sense. However, even he wasn't infallible. In one match (I forget the names of the players) he was heard to say "if you are still watching in black and white he will now play the red which is just behind the blue". Useful that.



By the way, if I talked about things being 'lupine', 'caprine', 'murine' and 'vulpine', could you honestly tell me that you knew I was wittering on about wolves, goats, mice and foxes?

Weapons of Math Instruction

A New York teacher was arrested when he tried to get on a plane with a ruler, protractor, set square, slide rule and calculator.

The authorities believed he was a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He has been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem to us" the Attorney-General said.
"They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values".

President Bush commented: "if God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes".


Thanks to TES 8/9/6

Kids missing lessons

I sometimes enjoy reading what parents say in notes excusing their children from lessons.

Here's one. Any names are changed to protect the innocent (or guilty).

"Please excuse Horace from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."

Tip the driver?

My wife thinks I'm rather tight with cash. She's convinced I should investigate my Scottish routes (no offence to our friends north of the border, nothing to do with me).

Travelling back from a smashing meal at our favourite restaurant, we gave the usual hand-signals to hail the old black cab. The taxi-driver took offence, so we had to wait for the next one.
Anyway, we boarded the next taxi and gave instructions to get us home.

Having parted with a crisp new £10 note, I did not have the remotest inclination to part with more. The look on my better half's face told me that further action was, indeed, required.

"Tip the driver, then, Mike"
"Really?", I painfully replied.
"Yes" she said, with a pinched expression, leaving the cab and heading for our front door.

"Driver, ................... plant your rhubarb early"

At which I made a hasty retreat.

No cocoa for me that night.

Big words

Did you know that graminivorous means 'feeding on grass' and that merdivorous means 'feeding on dung' ?

I'd like to say I'm grateful to the kind person that sent me this useless piece of information.

But I can't.

Great Black Country Folk

As a youngster I heard many conversations involving some lovely Black Country people.
Kevin Peterson, the so-called English batsman (isn't he South African) may not like the Black Country accent and dialect. I love it. Also, because I am Black Country (and proud of it) I feel entitled to poke fun (affectionately) at this rich and ancient sub-set of English.

I can recall standing with my grandfather in the early sixties somewhere in Kates Hill watching a new housing estate being developed. A friend of his was chatting to him about the building methods (my grandfather was a self-employed carpenter). Grandad pointed out the new style of windows the builders were using on the houses. It went something like this.

Grandad: "See them windas? Tham bays, bin um"

Friend: "Arr"

Grandad: "If yo say they bay bays, I say they bin bays. When they ay bays, wot bin um?"

Friend: "Dow know"

He then pointed to a previous development, which had used a different style of window.

Grandad: "Thaim windas, bin um, but not bays. The bays that ay bays am windas. The bays that'am bays am bay windas"

Friend: "Arr"


Lovely.

P.S. I make no apology for spelling Kevin the batman's name incorrectly.

Bye bye Blair

"So Blair is going do we care
The way he rules we cannot bear
Lets hope he takes her indoors
Her only use is cleaning floors"

Thank you, Gordon, for that contribution.

Replies to comments about language

Well I never, I did tell you (as Elton John once said), "it's lonely out in cyber-space" - or was that David Bowie? I digress.
I am now ever so slightly less lonely. We've had a couple of comments from A. Non. E-Mouse (lovely name) about 'New Words for our Language'.

Well, A.Non, you reckon that 'munter' means "talking under your breath about stalking then killing wild animals".
You cruel beast. What would the RSPCA have to say about this?
Mind you, road kill can be quite tasty........

You also claim that "iPod" is a "dyslexic way of describing where a pea comes from".
Well, A.Non, we all know that the pea-stalk practises safe podding and is always prepared.
I learnt that in six education at skool.



Now, where's the telephone directory. Do the RSPCA have a pest control division catching e-mice?

Music pre-release reviews

Couple of singles out soon, both are also the title tracks of new albums.

Killers - "When you were young"
Eighties-style new wave, with an updated sound for this century.
Think I need to have another listen before making up my mind, but not bad.

Scissor Sisters - "I don't feel like dancing" - a tecno-pop song that seems like a cross between the Bee Gees and Fleetwood Mac. Re-worked by DJ Erol Alkan.

New words for our language

Five hundred new words were added to the Chambers English Dictionary last week. They are now officially part of the language, not just slang expressions. Click 'comment' and send in what you think are the meanings for these words - the dafter the better.

iPod
Bingo wings
Brazilian wax
Sudoku
Muffin top
Chav
Happy-slapping
Fundoplication
Iraimbilanja
Munter


For example, isn't a Chav one of those characters peering over a brick wall giving a v-sign?
By the way, if you know all the real meanings, let me have those as well.

I'll have to do some proper work one of the days.

If you like rock music, read this

Back to school tomorrow for the little 'un (well, big 'un actually), but he's been great during the holiday. He even washed my car yesterday! So, it's down to HMV at Merry Hill for a treat.

He's now added to his collection Rocco Deluca and the Burden, their first album called 'I Trust You To Kill Me'. It is absolutely brilliant. Anyone that likes Led Zepplin (or Robert Plant) will love this. He sounds like Plant and is a tremendous guitar player. I've talked about Rocco before, but you just have to listen to his music.

Strange thing though. We had already downloaded the track 'I Trust You To Kill Me' from I-Tunes, and although it is also the title of Rocco's first album, it's not featured at all. Strange.
If anyone can explain this I would be interested.

By the way, I don't work for HMV marketing and I don't own shares, but they are really helpful there. At first, when we asked about Deluca the assistant looked at us as if we'd beamed down from Mars, but when I mentioned that Rocco was Keifer (Jack Bauer) Sutherland's protege he took us straight to the album. "It's in the Rock section, under D" he informed us.

Just to show off, we've got round the issue of what I consider to be a missing track. Just go into Media Player 10, rip the tracks, add the downloaded "Trust you kill me" and burn the lot to a CD-R. The missis can now play the whole lot in her car.

As a second-class citizen, my Punto only has a tape-player.
I can only dream of access to the latest technology. Mind you, I've got all the best tracks from I-Tunes on the old-fashioned C90's in the glove compartment. Job done.

The day I met a pop star

I met a lead singer from a sixties pop group last week. Everyone was at college meeting the new students on enrolment day. I didn't have a lot to do, apart from chat to other members of staff.
It's amazing who you meet and where. Dan Robinson, the lead singer, was fascinating to talk to.

The group who had a top twenty hit in the early sixties were then called 'Danny Cannon and the Ramrods' and they are still going, but now call themselves 'Herbies People'. If you are interested their web site is www.herbies-people.co.uk.

The Ramrods played at the Cavern, coming equal first in a national competition. They have appeared on the same bill as many big names of the sixties, such as Lonnie Donegan and Vince Hill. They also appeared at the Royal Albert Hall.

Raffle tickets and the French language

Our next-door neighbours very kindly bought some raffle tickets for our son's school today.

I will change their names to protect the innocent.

Jean leaned over the fence to collect a book of tickets from my good lady wife. She called to her husband, Malcolm, through the patio window, to ask for £2.50 for the book of tickets.

A minute later she exclaimed "oh, he's passing the money through the window in his pyjamas".

Funny place to have a window, isn't it, in your pyjamas.




On a completely unrelated matter, as Sarah Kennedy would say "apropos of absolutely nothing at all", I overheard 2 friends of mine (yes, I do have SOME) chatting about the French language.


Friend 1: I tried my French out at the restaurant the other night, but I'm hopeless. Can't remember anything from the evening classes. How do you say 'duck' in French?

Friend 2: Canard

Friend 1: I know it is, but don't use that language with me!




I know, I know, don't give up the day job.......................

Gramsci on intellectuals

All men are intellectuals, but not all men have in society the function of intellectuals.

Antonio Gramsci (1891-1937)
- writing in his prison cell in 1935.

Einstein and Maitland

There comes a time when the mind takes a higher plane of knowledge but can never prove how it got there. All great discoveries have involved such a leap.
The important thing is not to stop questioning.

Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)



Old theories ARE useful. We should always learn from the past.

The historian Maitland said "today we study the day before yesterday, in order that yesterday may not paralyse today, and today may not paralyse tomorrow".